If Not Now… When

This is my testimony I shared on Thegivingcouch.com….

I pray it ministers to you and that you know God will always LOVE YOU!!!

Nothing will take away His love from us!

If not now, when?
This is the question that my spirit asked after an unusual dream.

I was asked to share my testimony.
I know with all my heart this is something I have been needing to do for a while.

I have made so many excuses:
I am still in the middle of my story.
I still have unanswered questions.
I still need healing.
I still have shame.
I didn’t want to relive humiliating moments. 
I didn’t want to bring it all back up.

I remember growing up and hearing, You don’t ask why, just believe what God says.
I have struggled with this my entire life.

I was brought up in church. My dad was a southern Baptist preacher.
I met Jesus at a very young age in life and asked Him to be my Lord around age 5. 
I used to pretend I had my own audience to preach to. I also have a heart for worship. I would sit for hours on the piano playing the same sounds over and over. I remember hearing background music as I played and feeling the tangible presence of God with me. 

As I grew older, I finally took lessons to get more music theory and understand the language of music.

I married at an early age, but things didn’t go very well.
He left me within a year of marriage and I watched my life crumble before me.
All the dreams I created to be the perfect wife, mother, and godly woman went out the window.
I was devastated and left with so many unanswered questions.

As I was attempting to pick up my pieces, I met the most caring, compassionate gentleman I have ever known. At first, I shunned him believing once married, always married. I was believing my first husband would come back to me. Through love, sweetness, and such understanding, this new man changed me and walked with me through hurt, rejection, and disappointment. 

We ended up married within nine months of knowing each other. 
My husband, Jeff, continues to sweep me off my feet with his love and compassion.

We found a wonderful, Spirit-filled church home.
We both play instruments and are passionate about praise and worship. 
We got involved in music ministry, including small groups in our home.
We worked to draw closer to God and each other. 
Of course, we have struggles, but God bonded us closely.

In 2002, I thought I was hearing from God like never before. I believed with my whole heart that God was leading and guiding me to act. My husband, however, noticed that something wasn’t right with me. 

It is hard to explain my feelings and thoughts, but I was having these grandeur thoughts.
I was seeing images that were not there, believing God was going to use me in this massive way…
but my husband became my enemy.
I started having outbursts of anger.
My emotions would run wild. 

My husband was desperately trying to help me medically while understanding what was happening.
I was placed in a mental hospital in hopes to find safety and healing. I ended up with chemical burns on my feet while I was there. Due to the medications I was on while admitted, we still aren’t fully certain what happened. I was sent to a Beaumont clinic where doctors wanted to amputate my feet, but my husband and family intervened and got me transferred to the Galveston Burn Unit.
I underwent extensive surgeries and my feet were saved.
My feet are not what they were, but I can walk.
Praise God.

My injuries led to a long period of appointments with doctors, physical therapists, and lawyers.
We were drowning in paperwork, acquisitions, and most importantly questions.
Questions that still aren’t fully answered.

It took years, but I was finally diagnosed with bipolar disorder. 
I went through a long seasons of healing physically and spiritually,
but the humiliation and shame from my actions linger.

I have minimal memory from my time in the mental hospital.
I have minimal memory of the things I did and said to my husband during my episode.
The memories I do have and the stories that have been shared with me are humiliating.

I’m so thankful that God bonded my husband and I together when we first met. In a time where things were falling apart, we came together. He walked me to physical healing and continues to walk me through my spiritual healing

In 2021, I had another episode.
Praise God it was not as dramatic, but again I was left with shame and questions.
We found a better hospital where I was able to get the assistance and medication that I need.

The hardest part is seeing how hard it is on my husband.
I only have pieces, where Jeff has the full memory and anguish of it all.
I have deep regret for the things I have done and said to him. 
The turmoil I have put him through.
The pain I have caused him.

I used to hold those feelings deep inside.
It was my dark place that I refused to bring to light.

I think many of us have hidden, dark areas that we ignore, hide, or neglect.
The places we pack our hurt hoping to protect ourselves or others.
The places where we hide our sin and shame.
Those places where we tuck away trauma.

The same places where God wants to meet us.

We think that God is going to come in and punish or condemn us for our dark past or deep pain.
The truth is that God cries out to us to come to Him.

Come let me heal those areas of grief and hurt.
Come let me wipe away your shame.
Come let me ease your anger.
Come let me give you peace.

His Word says, I will never leave you nor forsake you.
God met me and said, If not now, when?
When are you going to share your shame?
When are you going to be honest?
When are you going to heal?

I realized that He had been there all along.
He had forgiven me long ago, I had to forgive myself.
I had to hand over my shame and humiliation.
I had to let Him into my deep, dark places.

I am still working on balancing my thoughts.
I reset my mind daily on Him and His Word.
I am allowing Him to renew me daily. 

It’s like learning to overcome my fear of swimming as a child.
My sister taught me how to float on top of the water and swim.
I remember the relief and freedom that it came with. 
I was able to let go of my fear of water. 

In the same way, I am finding relief and freedom as I let go of my fears, failures, and shame. 

One day at a time.
One step at a time.
I am healing.

I am stepping out of my dark places and into what God has for me.
I am stepping out of the box to reach for tomorrow.
I am building blocks for tomorrow.

In 2021, I started writing after God gave me a dream about stepping out of my box.
I had been told in therapy that I needed to journal, but I had never started.
But if not now, when?

I now write on my blog, Building Blocks for Tomorrow:
 https://buildingblocksfortomorrow.org

I am allowing God to speak to me and through me as He heals me.
I am writing while God is working. 
I believe that God laid it on my heart to start writing a blog.
I believe that all the stories I share will heal me from so much pain and hurt. 
I believe that as I write I will fill in some of the gaps and answer some of the lingering questions.

Even through my blog, I have hesitated sharing my full story.
But if not now, when?

So, here is my story.
The one where God wins.
The one where I overcome.

We will overcome by the blood of the lamb and the word of our testimony.
Revelation 12:11

You, too, can overcome. 
You can put all of your trust in Him.
You can let Him into your dark, deep places. 
You can allow Him to know you and love you.

Nothing you can do will keep God from loving you.
God saw me at my worst, yet loves me all the same. 

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8:38-39

Give God your hurt
Give God your heart.
If not now, when?